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Ryan Ross's comments

1. Ryan's housemate survival guide

   Posted 3 months ago

   Are you one of millions who live with irritating housemates?
   Chomping on your nick-nacks?... leaving their dirty washing up everywhere?.. throwing endless parties? ...well here's a few tips to turn those tables without them being any the wiser. Please feel free to use the comment function to contribute with your very own tips!
   
   Tip One: Washing up
   If your housemates have a pile of washing up to do, feel free to subtly add up to 20% of your own washing up to the mess. Your housemates will have been to drunk to remember the volume of washing up they created in the first place.
   
   Tip Two: Fancy some cola?
   No problem.. it's simple.. drink up to 10-15% of their 2 Litre bottle.. it's unlikely they will ever know the difference. Vigilant Housemates?.. that's not an issue.. go to the store and buy some 10p cola.. replace what you drink from the big brands by mixing in your own cheap shit. As long as you don't go over-board no one will be the wiser!
   
   Tip Three: Housemates eating your Co-Co pops?
   Here's the perfect way to find out!.. visit your local pet store or homebase and buy some cheap rat poison. If you mix in a few pellets with your box of kellogs, you'll be sure to know within a matter of hours whether your cheeky housemate is chomping on your chocolate goodies!
   Please note: do not consume the cereal yourself, this should be used as a tester only.
   
   Tip Four: Housemates drinking your juice?
   There's nothing better than natures goodness.. some good old apple juice! Does it seem whenever you return to the fridge your carton is that bit lighter?.. well not any more! Fight nature with nature and piss in the apple juice! Your housemate will be none-the-wiser until it's just to late!..again please note, that unless you are related to Rolf Harris, you may want to give your morning swig a miss!
   
   Tip Five: Is that shower always occupied?
   Does it always seem that the shower is taken whenever you need to get ready for work? Are you smelling a bit fishy with fury? well calm down! We can kill two birds with one stone! This is the perfect time to do the washing up! Make sure to rinse the plates with hot and cold water, you probably haven't got it clean enough unless there is a symphony of painful screams from the direction of the bathroom!
   
   Tip Six: Housemates wont stop harassing you about bills?
   Are your roomies demanding water rates?.. do they long for the gas payment?.. Simply hit them with a brick! The sure-fire way to quieten your day!
   
   Tip Seven: The Pile up
   Is your housemate a messy fuck? Does she leave all her Cher CD's around the house? Is there a pile of rotting ex Boyfriends behind the TV?.. the solution is a quick scurry!
   Wait until she goes to bed, and gather all of her possession in a big refuse sack and empty them outside her door in a nice big pile.
   If she still doesn't get the message, why not try set them on fire for a better effect?
   
   Tip Eight: Be smart with sugar!
   It starts with one spoon, but before you know it half of that bag of silver spoon is gone!.. Be smart with sugar, and swap it round with salt! Your housemate is sure to stop helping himself to your tetley once he has a vomit to remember and the sweetest McCain's he's ever tasted!
   
   Tip Nine: Clucking Ridiculous!
   Are your roomies always using your freshly washed plates and cutlery? Are they neglecting the pile of dirty crap on the drainer? Fear not, your housemates will never trust your washing up again after this stunt!
   Keep half of your cutlery in a place only you know, so that you may eat from it when you need to. Then take the rest of your plates and bowls, and rub a raw chicken all over them! In just a few miraculous days that pile of dirty washing up will have disappeared and your housemates will be admiring your 'brilliant immune system'.
   
   Tip Ten: Hair today, gone tomorrow Is that bitch too cheap to buy her own conditioner? Is she always using your expensive salon brands?
   Well try this!
   Keep a bottle of your nice expensive Conditioner in your room to use when you need it, (don't forget not to leave it in the shower).. then buy a second bottle and pour half of it down the toilet, (stay with me).
   Replace the lost quantity with Veet hair removal cream.. and give it a good shake..
   Within a couple of weeks she will either have stopped using your hard earned sheen shower products.. or won't have any hair to wash!
   
   Tip Eleven: The pesky invites
   Are your housemates always inviting you along to the local church gathering? Is it about time they realise your just not that 'into' the town knitting festival?
   The answer is simple! Invite your ex over for a quick 'catch up' and make sure you record the whole session! Whenever you hear a knock at the door, crank up the volume and hit play! You can bet your bottom dollar they'll be allot less talk in the house after that!
   
   Tip Twelve: Boyfriend stealing bitch
   Is your roomie a bit of an underhanded player? Here's the quick solution.. simply invite her out to a 'great night out', get her sloshed.. rip her dress a bit, and get the village goblin to grope her, take some snaps, upload and tag her in them on your facebook!
   Bye Bye mystique!
   
   Tip Thirteen: Straighten the situation
   Does your Boyfriend stealing bitch steal your best GHD's? Are you constantly having to head out the door with curls whilst she walks the catwalk with a shiny straight finish? Well.. no more!
   Simply put a little Glue on either heat plate just before she comes to steal them, she will either end up with the stiffest hair in town, or the plates will glue to her head and singe her fringe right off!
   
   Tip Fourteen: One for the Boys
   Is your roomie constantly pissing you off? Is she inviting her boyfriend into your domain to fuck around with you? Well get rid of him!..
   While she's out, go into her room, lift her duvet and do what only a boy can do!
   If she isn't dumped within 3 days, borrow a friends Chlamydia results (you know Lucy is a slag) and leave them on her bedside cabinet!
   
   Tip Fifteen: Slip Sliding away
   Is that cow always forgetting to flush the toilet? You thought only guys leave floaters?.. well here's multiple choice!
   1: Wait until your roomie is throwing a party with all her girls mates and that boy she likes.. then go get a snack, and give a well placed '' Sarah you've left a right log in the loo''.. guaranteed to blow her chances, and her social stance!
   or 2: Coat the toilet seat in a thin layer of Vaseline.. I can say with some assurance she won't be leaving much in there next time!
   
   DISCLAIMER: These 'tips' are meant only as humorous reading and you should never implement any harmful practices.. no matter how funny, upon anyone..

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